PROVIDENCE — The teams in the Ancient Eight Conference have broken their respective preseason camps and are all set to kick off the 2007 football season. All the players and coaches seem to be revved up and ready to get out on the field against an actual opponent after enduring what has come to be known as the longest training camp in America. There is a full slate of games lined up for Saturday. The Cornell and Dartmouth Big [insert unoriginal color here] open up against Bucknell and the toothpaste school Colgate, respectively. The Princeton Tigers host the Lehigh [insert team name here because no one knows anything about this], the Columbia Lions will visit Fordham, and the Brown [insert last animal from Wizard of Oz saying here] host Duquesne. If you did not think the unoriginality by these team names could not be matched, don’t hold your breath. The venues give the team names a real run for their money, as Brown opens up at Brown Stadium, Princeton will be playing on their home turf called…[insert drum roll here]…Princeton Stadium, and Yale will be traveling to play on Multi-Sport Field in Washington, DC. However, the league’s lack of creativity…and lack of other things compared to Division I college football (cough skill/speed cough)…should not deter people from getting pumped about Ivy League football.
Coach Phil Estes of the Brown University Bears is certainly excited about their home opener tomorrow afternoon. “We really tried to upgrade the schedule this year so we could get our team even more ready for the 1-AA playoffs, which we don’t participate in because all the athletes in the Ivy League must be focusing on school all the time. They are all bright individuals, who love school and will go on to be engineers, doctors, lawyers, or I-bankers. We don’t give out scholarships, so everyone gets in based on their academic standing and nothing else…unless you consider those grants we give out that the student never has to pay back or the fact the school gives me a certain number of spots where I am allowed to recruit anyone, even if they are the sharpest knife in the drawer per se. Anyways, as I was saying we upgraded the schedule by getting rid of Georgetown and hooking up with Duquesne for the opener. What, you don’t know Duquesne football? That’s ok, neither do we, really. But someone from the four team league that is the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference has got to be a step up from the Patriot League. 
Duquesne has got to be sharp going up against the likes of Iona, La Salle, and Marist in their intense league schedule that lasts all of three games to determine the MAAC winner. Brown will continue to strive to be ranked as high as we can in the polls only to wonder what if when the middle of November rolls around and that is it for the football season. Teams are all ready two and three games into the season when we start and have two or three more games to go when we end…interesting world isn’t it. Be aware people, blink and you might miss the entire two month season. However, if you are at a game and blink you probably won’t miss anything based on the speed of the game.”
FOXBORO – The New England Patriots have certainly been America’s team in the past 5 or 6 years. Winning three of four Super Bowls, many have called them a “dynasty.” The Pats are known for their poise, character, and playing football the right way.
An NFL insider has reported that the sole reason Belichick decided to steal the signs was due to the fact that he weighs more than Mangini. Belichick and Mangini used to be close friends before Mangini decided to leave New England and take over the division rival New York Jets. However, after the move, Belichick has noticed that Mangini has been losing a lot of weight and actually getting into better shape. Belichick stated: “I mean, I’m just self conscious. Just because I’m fatter doesn’t mean I’m a worse coach. If Eric wants to settle this, let’s go on The Biggest Loser and settle this in the offseason. Fatness and schlubbiness are not signs of weakness or sucking at coaching – look at my boy Charlie Weis! He’s doing just fine at Notre Dame.”
Regardless, Belichick still does not believe he has done anything wrong: “Whatever, you guys all just want something to talk about. Just because we’re the three-time world champion Patriots, you always need something to say. Whether it’s me, or Tom [Brady], or Randy [Moss], or Teddy [Bruschi], something always has to be circulating. What is wrong with you people? Get a life – don’t you have anything better to do with your lives?”
ST. LOUIS – Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that the NL Central will be left out of the postseason this year.
Cardinals’ manager, Tony LaRussa issued this statement after last night’s win: “You know, I really don’t understand what the hell Selig is trying to pull.
After he settled down with a non-fat, half-caf, not too hot on the steam, easy on the coffee, mocha-choca latté from the 
It has been reported that Michael Vick has been given a new option regarding the dog-fighting incident: to be a dog-groomer under heavy security. PETA has agreed to give Vick an option of being a dog-groomer for life (rather than an NFL superstar) — however, there is a catch. If, at any time that Vick was taking care of the dogs, he did anything to harm them, he, himself, would be shocked or beaten or abused — in the same manner that he had previously treated dogs. Owner of “My Dog is Hotter Than Yours” dog grooming services in Atlanta, Mary Jackson, has stated: “If that boy comes and works for us, we’ll sure as hell teach him how to treat a dog. Dogs are like people. Dogs are not like dogs.” In response to Ms. Jackson, PETA said: “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, ooooh I am for real..er..We meant, YEAH! That’s right Michael Vick — we’ll give you a taste of your own medicine.”
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has announced Jose Offerman and Pacman Jones will be coming out in the leagues next tag team match to challenge for the title. They will be called “Thank You Michael Vick for Keeping Us Out of the Sports Media”. Apparently, for those who did not know, Jose Offerman is…er was…still involved with organized baseball. He was recently spotted suffering from an inevitable attack of ‘roid rage in an Atlantic League game. What is the Atlantic League? It is a league where the Bluefish can play the Ducks. That is all you need to know about it. Offerman, of the Long Island Ducks, came out wielding his bat at Bridgeport Bluefish starting pitcher Matt Beech. This was after he was hit on the leg with a slider. He was not hit in the back with a fastball or forced to duck from a ball coming at his head, he was nicked with an 0-1 slider. Hello, Steroids…or hello pro wrestling training. In the pandemonium that ensued, Offerman gave the catcher a concussion and broke Beech’s middle finger. Both Jones and Offerman have agreed to a tag team match as along a few rules are set in place: weapons are allowed, the other team is not allowed to have weapons, and the venue is a strip club.
KANSAS CITY – Star Kansas City running back Larry Johnson has finally ended his holdout and returned to the Chiefs football team.
The rest of the squad was enthusiastic upon LJ’s return and chanted his name as he ran onto the practice field for the first time after his twenty five day hold out.
The football squad was not the only ones who were rejuvenated by the return of Larry Johnson.
NEW HAVEN – In the midst of the Pilot Pen Tennis Tournament, part of the U.S. Open Series leading up to the season’s last major, The U.S. Open, the top ranked player in the world has announced that the U.S. Open will be the last tournament of his career.
have put up thus far are absolutely unbelievable.
The only player that has a winning record against Federer on tour, Rafael Nadal (aka bionic-super-buff-nasty-left-arm man), said: “I mean, I already own Federer on the clay anyways…so it’s no big deal.
When asked about The French Open, the only major that has eluded him, Federer stated: “You know, I am Swiss.
(I am sorry to all the readers expecting the normal short satire this Friday. However, I could not resist writing this short piece instead. This crafty right hander should be back to throwing you all junk balls on Monday.) A good friend, Jack Hannahan, was called up to the Major Leagues this week. What a feeling that must be, a feeling that almost everyone only experiences in their wildest dreams. He had been playing for the Toledo Mud Hens (Detroit’s Triple A team) but was traded to Oakland on Monday. He was flown directly out to the west coast and joined the team on Tuesday for their game against the Chicago White Sox where he started at third base. Jack had been up with the Tigers for five games last year until being optioned back to Toledo 
where he had remained until Monday. He had been having his most productive season in Triple A this year with a .295 batting average, along with 13 home runs and 63 runs driven in. So far, he has hit safely in two of his three games and driven in a run since being called up. Just as some other background information, Jack attended the University of Minnesota where he was an All-American and Big Ten Player of the Year. He was drafted in the third round by Detroit in the 2001 draft. Congratulations Jack! You have earned it, and many of us will be following your career closely!
Cincinnati Red’s closer David Weathers has decided to change his intro music to ACDC’s famous pump up song Hells Bells in hopes that it will make him more effective out of the pen. The music is generally accredited to belonging to the all time leader in saves, Trevor Hoffman. Cincinnati’s pitching, and mainly the bullpen, has been putrid all year. The Reds have no one on the pitching staff with an ERA under 3.00, and five guys are coming out of the bullpen with ERA’s above 8.00. The lowest ERA on their staff belongs not to a reliever, but to their ace, Aaron Harang, who has logged the most innings of anyone. Yikes! “Basically, we have decided that this new song will help all of us stop sucking,” Weathers said. “Some people believe I am insulting Mr. Hoffman by stealing his music, but I have as much right to that song as he does. I strike as much fear into opposing hitters at in the ninth as he does. Rivera (429 S), Hoffman (510 S)…Weathers (stats shall not be mentioned). It has quite the ring to it.” It is very probable no one will hear Mr. Weathers entering the game to this music, and this debut will have to wait until next season, since Cincinnati and the phrase ‘leading going into the ninth’ don’t exactly go together.
The Oakland Raiders were victorious in Saturday night’s preseason NFL game against the Arizona Cardinals. Oakland, who went an abysmal 2-14 last season, is taking this preseason win as a positive. Even though number one pick, Jamarcus Russell, was not even present, the Raiders had flashes of promise for the season — only 8 penalties for 58 yards, 1 turnover, and a WHOPPING 275 total yards of offense. Tyler Fredrickson, the Raiders back-up kicker, said: "Yea, it was a great win for all of us. After how last season went, it’s promising for backups to get in there and do well. After all, WE are what makes the difference come season. You can put this down on paper, but the Oakland Raiders will have at LEAST 12 wins this year. Guaranteed." Apparently, an Oakland reporter noted that Fredrickson had been dropped on his head 16 times when he was four months old, and now he has a slightly altered perception of reality.
