Celtics Actually DON’T Trade For Kevin Garnett

BOSTON – Even though it seems as though a trade is in place to send All-Star Forward, Kevin Garnett to the Boston Celtics, Linda Summers, a correspondent from the Boston Globe, reported yesterday that Kevin Garnett was not going to be traded to Boston for varying reasons. However, one reason in particular really swayed Celtics GM Danny Ainge from acquiring KG – Garnett’s “insufficient” educational background.

Ainge said: “Who cares if he’s been one of the most dominant rebounders and scorers in the game the past 10 years? Regardless, he’s still not mature enough. I don’t care if he averages a double-double. The fact of the matter is that he wouldn’t be able to mesh well with the high caliber offense that we run here in Boston. I think our record in the last couple of seasons shows that KG can’t run with the big boys – aka, The Boston Celtics.”

Celtics All-Star guard, Paul Pierce, said that he was “thoroughly disappointed that Danny Ainge would hate on another player like that.” Pierce also added: “Who cares if he didn’t go to college? The two most successful players in the league today [LeBron James and Kobe Bryant] didn’t go to college, yet they’re the best. I think Danny messed up real bad.”

With the recent addiction of former Seattle star, Ray Allen, adding KG would have bolstered the supporting cast that Pierce had been lacking the past seasons. Not only would it have bolstered Pierce’s supporting cast, it would making the Celtics a legitimate contender in the east – especially playing in the powerhouse Atlantic Division (or, as most other people know it, the Junior Varsity division of the NBA). However, again, when Ainge was asked why he would give up a chance to be probably the hands-down favorite of the division, he enlightened the whole sports world, yet again: “It’s not fun always winning. Are you guys crazy or something? Come on, we need the entertainment factor back in this league. We have plenty of firepower without him [Garnett] to easily take this division…better yet, this conference. Not to mention, we got the best of the Timberwolves a couple of seasons ago when we acquired Wally Szczerbiak. With other great teams in our division like New York and Philadelphia, we need to let them think they’re going to win…then take it right from them…like we always do.” Ohh, right, Danny…

However when Garnett was asked how he felt about Ainge’s comments, he only responded by saying, “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” and elaborated with, “Neener, neener Ainge has a small wiener,” then proceeded to leave the room stomping his feet and crying.