Coach Phil Estes of the Brown University Bears is certainly excited about their home opener tomorrow afternoon.  “We really tried to upgrade the schedule this year so we could get our team even more ready for the 1-AA playoffs, which we don’t participate in because all the athletes in the Ivy League must be focusing on school all the time.  They are all bright individuals, who love school and will go on to be engineers, doctors, lawyers, or I-bankers.  We don’t give out scholarships, so everyone gets in based on their academic standing and nothing else…unless you consider those grants we give out that the student never has to pay back or the fact the school gives me a certain number of spots where I am allowed to recruit anyone, even if they are the sharpest knife in the drawer per se.  Anyways, as I was saying we upgraded the schedule by getting rid of Georgetown and hooking up with Duquesne for the opener.  What, you don’t know Duquesne football?  That’s ok, neither do we, really.  But someone from the four team league that is the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference has got to be a step up from the Patriot League.  Duquesne has got to be sharp going up against the likes of Iona, La Salle, and Marist in their intense league schedule that lasts all of three games to determine the MAAC winner.  Brown will continue to strive to be ranked as high as we can in the polls only to wonder what if when the middle of November rolls around and that is it for the football season.  Teams are all ready two and three games into the season when we start and have two or three more games to go when we end…interesting world isn’t it.  Be aware people, blink and you might miss the entire two month season.  However, if you are at a game and blink you probably won’t miss anything based on the speed of the game.” 

However, recently reports in the NFL have stated that the Patriots stole signals from the New York Jets this past Sunday. They stole both offensive and defensive signs, and are currently waiting to see how NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell responds. Most analysts and experts imagine that the Pats would lose one (or a couple) draft picks.

Goodell has called the act “atrocious” and “despicable”: “I’ve always known Belichick was big cheat. Sure, he puts on the nice guy act and dresses terribly in his incredibly oversize sweat suits and disgustingly schlubby attire, but I knew he was up to no good. Not to mention, he’s quite bitter still that last year, Jets coach Eric Mangini [a one time Belichick prodigy] got much more press than he did – not to mention, Mangini starred in HBO’s hit The Sopranos. Hey, I’d be pissed too. But still, he’s [Belichick] a big, fat, ugly, disheveled baby.”

An NFL insider has reported that the sole reason Belichick decided to steal the signs was due to the fact that he weighs more than Mangini. Belichick and Mangini used to be close friends before Mangini decided to leave New England and take over the division rival New York Jets. However, after the move, Belichick has noticed that Mangini has been losing a lot of weight and actually getting into better shape. Belichick stated: “I mean, I’m just self conscious. Just because I’m fatter doesn’t mean I’m a worse coach. If Eric wants to settle this, let’s go on The Biggest Loser and settle this in the offseason. Fatness and schlubbiness are not signs of weakness or sucking at coaching – look at my boy Charlie Weis! He’s doing just fine at Notre Dame.”

(Except for the fact that Notre Dame is 0-2 on the season without a solidified starting QB).

Regardless, Belichick still does not believe he has done anything wrong: “Whatever, you guys all just want something to talk about. Just because we’re the three-time world champion Patriots, you always need something to say. Whether it’s me, or Tom [Brady], or Randy [Moss], or Teddy [Bruschi], something always has to be circulating. What is wrong with you people? Get a life – don’t you have anything better to do with your lives?”

This recent outburst at the media has caused Goodell to implement a specific punishment for Belichick. “I’m sentencing Bill to one year of only eating Subway and going to fat camp in the summer. Not to mention, he has to make an appearance on TLC’s What Not to Wear in order to seriously do something with that awful sense of style (or lack thereof). This honestly has gone on far too long,” said Roger Goodell.

ST. LOUIS – Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that the NL Central will be left out of the postseason this year.  The NL Central has the most teams of any division, however, this season, the NL Central has slowly turned into the NL West of old – only the first place team, Chicago Cubs, are above .500.  And although the once-abysmal St. Louis Cardinals of this season are starting a surge, they find themselves with a winning percentage of only .500 – which is good enough for second place in the division.  Not to mention, the recent meltdown of the Milwaukee Brewers has proven their naivety as a young squad, and their inability to keep up with the big boys.

Cardinals’ manager, Tony LaRussa issued this statement after last night’s win: “You know, I really don’t understand what the hell Selig is trying to pull.  This is baseball, and the rules and postseason rules have been the same since who knows how long.  Quite frankly, I’m pissed.  I don’t understand what he’s trying to do to this game.  Just let the boys play.  Let em’ play!”

An MLB insider caught up with Selig to see what he had to say.  Selig responded with: “Aw, tell Tony to go cry me a river.”  Motioning with his hands, Selig rubbed his thumb and index finger together and looked into the camera and said: “Hey LaRussa!  You know what that is?  That’s the world’s smallest violin played for you.  Boo freakin’ hoo.  GROW UP!”

After he settled down with a non-fat, half-caf, not too hot on the steam, easy on the coffee, mocha-choca latté from the Starbucks, Selig said: “You know, I just figured, the NL Central sucks.  When it comes down to it, people aren’t going to want to watch the Cubs get destroyed by some other team.  Better yet, the Cards?  I don’t care if they’re defending world champs – they suck!  Don’t even get me started on LaRussa.  Anyways, the postseason is supposed to be exciting.  The ratings have been down in the past couple of years, and I just think instead of maintaining the integrity of the game, it’s time to revolutionize baseball.  Starting now.”

The MLB insider noted that there was some talk with baseball’s “highest” people saying extra pyrotechnics would be added to stadiums, whether the stadiums could afford them or not.  Furthermore, there would be moon bounces, popcorn, clowns, magicians, and strippers.

TNA Announces Jose Offerman and Pacman Jones Tag Team
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has announced Jose Offerman and Pacman Jones will be coming out in the leagues next tag team match to challenge for the title. They will be called “Thank You Michael Vick for Keeping Us Out of the Sports Media”. Apparently, for those who did not know, Jose Offerman is…er was…still involved with organized baseball. He was recently spotted suffering from an inevitable attack of ‘roid rage in an Atlantic League game. What is the Atlantic League? It is a league where the Bluefish can play the Ducks. That is all you need to know about it. Offerman, of the Long Island Ducks, came out wielding his bat at Bridgeport Bluefish starting pitcher Matt Beech. This was after he was hit on the leg with a slider. He was not hit in the back with a fastball or forced to duck from a ball coming at his head, he was nicked with an 0-1 slider. Hello, Steroids…or hello pro wrestling training. In the pandemonium that ensued, Offerman gave the catcher a concussion and broke Beech’s middle finger. Both Jones and Offerman have agreed to a tag team match as along a few rules are set in place: weapons are allowed, the other team is not allowed to have weapons, and the venue is a strip club.

“I just really couldn’t feel the disrespect comin’ from the Chiefs these last few weeks.  I am a star athlete, you best be disrepectin’ me,” LJ told reporters.  “When Trent Green was around, I could get used to being in the shadows and being disrespected.  We all put up with his little concussions and blond hairstyles while I worked my ass for what…no respect that’s what.  Yeah, no respect and over 400 carries for this franchise.  Damn, I held out cuz I wanted a break too.  This team is going to run me into the ground, especially with this Damon Huard guy running the show.  By the way, he totally takes down my disrepectibility factor, too.  Hey, fantasy owners out there, my body is going to break down at the half way point if they keep this up.  Disrespect me, and don’t take me in your drafts.  People would be wiser to draft my backup Michael Bennett than myself.  There is a guy who has a real nose for the endzone…12 td’s in 6 years…WOW.  Actually, let’s face it, anyone who is that into fantasy football shouldn’t draft anyone from this team.  I know I won’t.”

The rest of the squad was enthusiastic upon LJ’s return and chanted his name as he ran onto the practice field for the first time after his twenty five day hold out.  This is a team who has dropped both their preseason games so far, and they have managed one offensive touchdown in the process.  The two losses came against Miami and Cleveland, teams which went a stellar 10-22 last season.  Needless to say, they are looking for a spark/pulse.  They really didn’t seem to care they had been suffering through camp for three weeks because the arrival of LJ meant they would probably not be competing with Oakland and Houston for the cellar spot in the AFC and rights to be called the most boring team in football. 

The football squad was not the only ones who were rejuvenated by the return of Larry Johnson.  HBO was ecstatic when Larry Johnson finally joined the team in training camp.  One HBO executive said, “The return of LJ means a great deal to our new show Hard Knocks.  No longer will this show be carried by Greg Hanoian, Casey Wiegmann, and the other random people on the football field.  We actually have a star appearing on this show, and we expect our ratings to drastically increase from 0.  Hopefully when people hear about this show they will no longer say ‘umm, I don’t get HBO’ or ‘what a retarded name for a television show’ or ‘who the hell cares about the story of the Kansas City Chiefs in training camp’ or ‘hey, I see an arrowhead on a helmet, time to change the channel’.”  HBO probably couldn’t have chosen a team outside of Houston with less star power than the Kansas City Chiefs.  However, this further illustrates their philosophy of creating a show to compete with the Bronx is Burning as the worst sports show of all time.

Federer, who is only 26 years old, is easily on track to become the greatest tennis player of all time.  In his brief career, he has already won 11 majors (including a three straight U.S. Opens and a record-tying 5-straight Wimbeldons), and 50 ATP tournaments overall.  His career winnings (from tournaments alone) total over 33 million dollars.  His career record is 528 wins and 131 losses.  The numbers that Federer have put up thus far are absolutely unbelievable.  Thus, when the news broke that he’d be retiring, ESPN tennis analyst Cliff Drysdale had much to say: “I think it’s absolutely ridiculous.  Roger Federer is tennis.  Tennis is Roger Federer.  We’ve never seen anyone like him, and will never see anyone like him.  The caliber at which he plays is second to none.  This is a tragedy.”

Other players on the tour, however, had other thoughts in mind.  The No. 3 player in the world, Andy Roddick, said: “I’m stoked.  You know, now maybe I can stop focusing on being all pretty with my Lacoste hat and shirt, and start focusing on my game.  I always had this mental block playing Roge because, I mean, he’s the best.  Well, now that he’s out of the picture, maybe I can stop crying about what the media has to say, and start winning.”

The only player that has a winning record against Federer on tour, Rafael Nadal (aka bionic-super-buff-nasty-left-arm man), said: “I mean, I already own Federer on the clay anyways…so it’s no big deal.  It doesn’t faze me that I haven’t really beaten him on any other surface.  Now that he’s gone, I can focus on making Roddick go home and cry after I beat him.  I’ll beat him on the court, then with my amazingly beefy left arm…straight into the court…even on hardcourts.”  Nadal followed the interview by curling a 100-pound dumbbell – but only with his left arm of course.

When asked about The French Open, the only major that has eluded him, Federer stated: “You know, I am Swiss.  We Swiss people always have pride about always being neutral and unbiased, even towards the French.  But when it comes down to it, let’s be honest, who likes the French?  I’m not that big of a fan.  So I’m not too upset about it being the only major I haven’t won.  It’s time for me to let all those other guys to have a shot at winning.  I’ll just go play golf with my new bff, Tiger.”

Long time tennis pro, John McEnroe said: “Roger Federer is the man, and the man can do whatever he wants.  Oh, not to mention, he has 7 doubles titles as well.”

Raiders Have High Hopes
The Oakland Raiders were victorious in Saturday night’s preseason NFL game against the Arizona Cardinals. Oakland, who went an abysmal 2-14 last season, is taking this preseason win as a positive. Even though number one pick, Jamarcus Russell, was not even present, the Raiders had flashes of promise for the season — only 8 penalties for 58 yards, 1 turnover, and a WHOPPING 275 total yards of offense. Tyler Fredrickson, the Raiders back-up kicker, said: "Yea, it was a great win for all of us. After how last season went, it’s promising for backups to get in there and do well. After all, WE are what makes the difference come season. You can put this down on paper, but the Oakland Raiders will have at LEAST 12 wins this year. Guaranteed." Apparently, an Oakland reporter noted that Fredrickson had been dropped on his head 16 times when he was four months old, and now he has a slightly altered perception of reality.

Some people are wondering why Colangelo is even the Team Director – “Doesn’t he know that international rules are a little different than the NBA? Doesn’t he know that Team USA is traditionally the powerhouse of basketball? What in the world is he thinking?”

That’s what we said.

However, this morning, Colangelo released his idea of a “revamped” roster. The roster is only 10 players, and the roster has a combined career points total of about 10. When questioned about fatigue and injury, Colangelo replied: “That’s what they’re here to do – get some toughness. The question isn’t ‘Who is going to win the most?’ the question is, ‘Who has the biggest marbles?’ Team USA does. That’s right.”

The new roster includes the star-studded line-up of sure-handed slashing guards: Monta Ellis, Dermarr Johnson, CJ Miles, Bob Sura, Marcus Williams and a dominating front-line of: Scot Pollard, Austin Crosher, Michael Doleac, Adonal Foyle, and Bo Outlaw. If you’re asking yourself who the hell these people are, we are too.

An NBA insider asked Colangelo if he was concerned about the lack of credibility and popularity of this roster. Colangelo responded by saying: “That’s exactly the point. I want these guys to get their name out there. I want them to get some experience.” The insider responded with “Yes, but don’t you think the public will respond in a negative manner?” At this point, Colangelo exploded (Tom Cruise style) and started shouting: “What?! Do you think this is some sort of popularity contest?! Do you know how it feels to be the ONLY person not dating a cheerleader? Or for that matter, a football player?! You had a nice and cozy life in high school, didn’t you?! Well not all of us did, so SHUT UP!” With this, Colangelo stormed out of the room.

The insider sustained minor emotional scars, and reported that Colangelo had a very awkward high school experience – being 1 out of 20 students in his graduating class not to be involved in a relationship or on an athletic team. The class had 10 girls and 10 boys (including Colangelo), and one of the girls was so appalled by Colangelo, that she agreed to be the “trois” in the ménage à trois in order not to end up with him.